A Year Ago

Today is just one of THOSE days.

And it's all because of SUMMER.-I can't figure out what to do for it.

The truth is I woke up feeling like this yesterday. I had had nightmares all night so I was anxious and flustered as soon as I woke up. Before I got ready for church, I said my prayers and asked for some comfort and asked for answers, or a little guidance... SOMETHING.

Obviously, I didn't get the answer I wanted. I didn't get a voice that said " Natalia, you should just take classes, or Natalia, just pick up and move to DC for the summer, or even "Natalia, just go to NJ. You know you love it." But I did get this-I got lots and lots of talks about how people can take comfort in knowing their purpose. How people should be comforted because they know what they want in life and as long as you know the major overall plan you can rearrange the details however many times you want. If you know what you want you will eventually get there. The real problem is not knowing what you want and wasting important time with which you could be doing something.*** So of course my first thoughts were: Do I know my purpose? Do I really know what I am doing right now? Do I even really want this? Can I handle another year in Provo?

The answer is YES.

Yes, I know what I am doing. Yes, I am getting my second degree in accounting. Yes, I legitimately want to be doing this. No, I do not know what I am doing for the summer but yes, I know what I am doing in life. Yes, I can handle one more year in Provo. My life and my plans have changed so much from a year ago that sometimes I can't believe I am the same person.

A year ago....

I was crying because I thought that my 23rd birthday was the worst birthday ever. Since then I've had one of the best birthdays ever.

A year ago.....

I was trying to decide if I should go back to school or not.

A year ago....

I had never been to the San Diego Zoo, I hadn't been on Rodeo Drive, I hadn't seen the Beverly Hills sign or the famous Hollywood sign, or taken the cheesy tell-tale tourist pictures on the Hollywood Walk of Fame stars, I hadn't eaten at Sprinkles, I'd never tasted Persian food in SoCal, or spent another bomb day hanging out in San Diego and I got to do those things with Janelle because I decided to come back to Utah.

A Year Ago....

I wasn't as close to my brother and my sister as I am now. They've seen me at my lowest and will always be there for me. I love them for it.

A Year Ago....

I didn't think I was strong enough to spend the entire summer in Utah because I didn't really have any friends left. I now have a lot more friends and it really wouldn't be the worst thing in the entire world if I spent the summer with them working 20 hours a week and having bonfires, and camping, and swimming and hiking. Just enjoying my life.

A Year Ago...

I hadn't been to Cabo, or Mazatlan, or Puerto Vallarta. I hadn't snuba'd and damn near died of an anxiety attack underwater in Cabo. I hadn't ridden horses on the beach in Puerto Vallarta while the sun was setting. I hadn't even ridden a couple miles up the PCH with my bestest, Babsies while we made sure every window was down and the sunroof was open so we could jam out to every silly pop song on the radio at the top of our lungs and in those exact moments, we LOVED OUR LIVES. I was able to do those things because I made the decision to be in Utah. Those opportunities would not have been there had I left.

A Year Ago....

I hadn't decided in the course of a couple hours that I was riding to Idaho at 5 in the morning to go to a wedding with Babs. I hadn't spent a long weekend in AZ hanging out with Rachelle and spent 4 days and 3 nights hiking around Havasupai with Dane. I hadn't even had the chance to make Dane listen to LoveGame by Gaga over and over for 2 hours because it's the only song that keeps me awak. Better yet, I'd never ridden in a helicopter through the Grand Canyon. An overall magical experience if there ever was one. ( I encourage everyone to do it at least once).

A Year Ago....

I didn't appreciate my friends as much as I do now. Stephen who somehow managed to come to Utah 4 times this year even though his usual quota is 2 visits per year. And I know a lot of it had to do with the fact he was worried about me. Babs who recognized that I was an emotional wreck and called to check in whenever she felt the prompting and managed to see me once a month from July- November even though I hadn't seen her at all really since she graduated. Janelle who lets me call her even when I'm mid-sob because I always think she's the only one who can understand me through my tears and who has always had more confidence and faith in me than anyone else. Dane who let me cry 75% of the car ride on the way to Havasupai because I just had to talk about my life plans one more time to make sure that it's what I wanted. Kristina who always keeps track of what my life plans are and even the deadlines for internships I am thinking of applying too. Liane, who took time out of her busy mommy life to worry about me this summer and talk to me and help me through each decision. Emily, who's done more and been through more with me than this one sentence could convey. But, just always ends up being there for me when I need it. (You maybe deserve your own blog post. One day you'll get it.)

Lastly, A Year Ago....

I had 2 years left for an accounting and now I have 1 year/11 classes left.

A year ago my heavenly father tested and tried me so that I almost didn't recognize who I was anymore. I cried and cried because life hadn't turned out the way I wanted it. In this past year I've been blessed with experiences, people, and opportunities that have been better than I could have ever imagined.My heavenly father showed me that it's okay not to know every detail and that sometimes things work out better than you'd hope for. So NO, I don't live in downtown LA and enjoy the worlds best nightlife.I don't live in NYC with all the fabulous people. I don't live in DC and ride the metro and see monuments everyday. I live in Provo where BYU is, where my brother and my sister are, where people have 30 minute dance parties and bake each other cookies to show they are interested. I live in Provo, UT and I will be here until I graduate and it's only one more year, and it's not the world's worst thing. And if I don't know what I am doing for the summer it's okay.

* **I'd like to point out that this is only in my opinion. There are some people who feel perfectly comfortable not knowing what they want and feel perfectly comfortable taking a long time to figure it out. I WISH I could be like those people.